16 - Stepping into Parenthood Pt. 1

The change that happens when you transition from being just an adult to a parent is a huge step.  Here are some of the ideas we have found to help with that change.

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Welcome back everyone to another episode of the Eiler perspective. Today we're going to be diving into paradigm or perspective shifts on going from being an adult to a new parent or parenthood. Yeah, there's a lot that happens and a lot to comprehend and a lot of things you just don't even know what to expect and you're just kind of thrown into the fire. So let's, let's talk about it. Yeah. Let's get some baptism by fire. Let's get into this. Okay. This is a really great topic because I recently have been feeling like I am just like Trying to stay afloat and i'm just drowning in and all the responsibilities there is in parenthood From like my kids are getting old enough that they're doing all these different dance things and all these sporting events And they're traveling all over the place And then you got to do laundry and clean the house and make dinner and it's just been like very overwhelming so it just feels like Your con it's like It's like trying to stay above the wake in an ocean. It's like every time you feel like you're, you're swimming out to catch a breath, another wave crashes down on you. So it can be pretty wild. Right. And then you have those friends that are dual income households, no kids. Oh, those dinks, man. Yeah. That's life. I wish we could have had an opportunity. My wife and I could have been dinks because that would have been nice. Oh man. Yeah. We never had that opportunity. Definitely something that would have been. Yeah, I mean, can you imagine? I, I know you and Becca got really lucky cause you were able to live that way for a while. No, so, cause when we were in Idaho, I was school full time and she was working. And then when I went and did door to door sales, I was working, she wasn't. And then we only had two incomes for like six months. Oh, that's right. Before Reid came. That's right. Yeah. Man, how wild. Yeah, I I just I just do our finances and I think how much stupid money we could have If it wasn't for all the other excess stuff. I know I know I'm pretty bad because I have a lot of random hobbies. I feel like I change hobbies about every 30 days. Do you know that's a, an ADHD thing? Yeah. Yeah. People have been diagnosed with that. Okay. People have been talking about like starting an ADHD hobby swap page. Oh yeah. Oh, I think I saw something like that. Was it, was it on social media? Like Facebook or something like that? Once we get done with it, we'll just put all of our stuff on here and we can swap. We can swap hobbies. Yeah. I feel like that's something that I should get into. I don't know what it is, but lately, and if Maddie listens to our episode, she's going to hear this and be like, absolutely not. But lately I've been looking at saxophones cause I want to learn how to play the saxophone. It was either that or bagpipes. So either way it's going to be obnoxious and annoying. Well, my dad might have a saxophone laying on his house. He did that in high school. No way. Saxophone would be awesome. It'd be such a fun instrument to learn how to play. Yeah, then you'd be like Lisa Simpson. Yeah, exactly. I could, well, Bart skateboards, but definitely play some sexy sax. So I did a search on the biggest, like perspective shifts in that transition to becoming a parent. Sure. And so I think we should talk through some of those that give us like a pathway of where to go, because I know you and I both have like so much going on in our minds about kids and how to be a father. And we could talk about it for days, so that's why I think we need some structure on this one. Yeah, absolutely. We'll take some guidance. Yeah. So, the first point is prioritization of responsibilities. So it says, shift in priorities, personal desires, and hobbies often take a back seat to the needs and well being of the child. So you just said you got a bunch of different hobbies, but I think you and I over the past two years realized Shit we need to get hobbies because we're losing ourselves. Yeah, absolutely So let's talk about what it was like like right when you have a kid that shift okay, so I the prior Prioritate prioritization. God's a hard word Of of responsibilities. I think is huge just because I think it's absolutely imperative to your mental health to be able to have things outside of just your family because when you first have a kid or Or or you marry into someone who has kids like that's that is the focal point And rightfully so it's the focal point However for you to be your the best version of yourself for them and to raise them in an appropriate manner You yourself have to be mentally healthy And sometimes that means It's taking breaks away from them to focus on things that you enjoy doing, whether that's a hobby or a skill or just like a guy's night or a girl's night, just to be able to break away. And I'm not just saying work because a lot of people will say, Oh, well, your work is your break from your family and it's like, no, your, your work is work and you just don't happen to have your family with you. Some people might see it as a break, but in the end, like you need to have something that Completely separate. Yeah. Something that Maddie and I have been doing over the last couple weeks has been super fun, is actually going to these paint nights and it's just been nice to like leave the kids at home with the babysitter and go out and just spend time together as a, as a couple mm-Hmm. and just build that friendship. And we've had some really fun experiences doing these paint nights, so That's awesome. Yeah. Honestly, like. The wives, if they're working and then they come home, they're doing all the work and then rotating, right? If you're at home and you're doing work at home and then you go to your work work, or like in our situation for the past few years where I've been working at home, but in my office and my wife's been managing the chaos and then I come out and then we're both trying to do it. It's like nobody ever gets a break unless it's intentionally scheduled into it. And that's something, when I, I went to therapy a couple years ago, and that's one of the things the therapist said, is like, hey, like, don't count going to the gym as your time off, like, away from the family to get a recharge, like, you need at least an hour a day of your own time, not your working out, not your job, not your drive or commute home, like, you need an hour of doing whatever it is, well, go see a movie by yourself, go play disc golf, whatever, but, but go do that, and you're gonna see a massive improvement in your mental health. Yeah, and that's something I think people need to prioritize. Like, I know we've talked about it in in episodes past that we only have a finite amount of time with our kids. However, at the same time, like we also need to, you know, make sure our mental health is in a place that we feel is appropriate to be able to be the best versions of ourselves for them, right? Like if you get burnt out or you lack patience or anything else, you're gonna put less desirable Foot forward when you're correcting your kids or whatever it may be. Yeah, that's not fun I was watching a comedian, on a reel the other day and the comedian made a joke oh, I think it's on a netflix special with Oh, what's her name? Dang, I don't remember anyway, she comes out. She's like so I lost a friend recently Yeah, she had a kid How many of you have lost friends to kids and it's like yeah Your shift changes and I think that's the hardest thing when kids You're the friend who doesn't have a kid and you see all your friends going away per se, right? Yeah. It's not that they don't want to hang out with you. It's just that their schedules changed. You know, you're matching things up with naps. You're getting to hit the bed early and your friends want to go do a barbecue at 8 30 PM, but you already put your kid to bed. Yeah. You know, there's so many different things and I think those priorities definitely change a lot and it's, it takes some getting used to. I think it's a big friction point in a lot of. Early marriages, especially if they start out with having kids right away, it can be very difficult. Yeah, absolutely. And then just the whole time management aspect of it, right? So parents are learning to juggle all these different responsibilities, their job, taking care of the kid, like you were saying, going to different activities. But you almost get more efficient and organized at some points if you can learn how to do it. But, like, if I look at myself ten years ago, I couldn't have done, mentally, What I do now. Yeah, well, I think it's wild just because a lot of things just kind of happen like if both both in time and in money, I feel like it just doesn't make sense. Like if I was to break it down in time and money for having a kid, The math doesn't seem like it maths out, but it always, there's always, it always seems to work out for money when it comes to kids. It always seems to work out with time for the most part. Sure. Other things get put on the back burner, like folding laundry or like mopping a floor, but you find the time to get those things done. And it's, it's just interesting that like people who are dinks dual income, no kids, they have tons of money, but when they try to look at it and be like, Okay, let's see how much a kid costs and they look at the numbers They're like, there's no way we could do that Yeah, and I didn't I didn't even think that we could do two kids So saying it blows my mind to think that it's just working out Yeah, it just kind of happens I I remember My parents talking to me like when I was becoming a an adult and moving out and How they're just like look, you'll find a way to make it work. There are several times where we had a dollar You And our bank account, that's all we had to our name. And that makes me sick to think of. And so we're not saying that it's easy, but you can find help for sure. I think for me and my experience, there's a lot of mental load and stress on the finances of like, I want to provide the best future, but the hardest thing for me is the mental load of how do I be the best father and husband and employee or start my own company? Like, how do I do all of those things and provide the amount of mental capacity to each other? And that's, that's really hard. And I think it comes into another, the next point of our list, which is selflessness and sacrifice. And I think that's something that I see, you know, I want to say that that's me, but the truth is, it's Becca. Becca is so selfless. She sacrifices so much for her family. And I think that's common For us all to see in our wives, but men, you are also making a big sacrifice on things as well. It's just natural part of, of being a parent. There's so much sacrifice that comes. Yeah, absolutely. I think we're really lucky to have the women that we do because they both embody that like 120%. Like they, I know Maddie just has such a big heart. She'll do everything for her kids before she ever gets anything done for herself. And sometimes it's like, you know, beating her tooth and nail for her to realize that she needs to take time for herself or else she'll just burn herself out doing things for the kids. Yeah. They don't really like, I feel like it's just like putting your ax to the grinding stone and not realizing that you've grinded your whole ax down and you're going through the wood handle and you're like, Hey, you need to take a break and like go do something for yourself for once. Yeah, it's fun. I also see it in, so Reed will get really hungry and he'll need food and so I'll say, hey, like, let's go pick Reed up McDonald's or Taco Bell, whatever it is, and we'll go to get that, but Becca will say that she doesn't want anything, and I keep repeating, yeah, are you sure? Are you sure that you don't want anything? And then she You know sure enough says that she doesn't we get home and she ends up eating For herself at home, but she's looking in the pantry looking in the fridge for something to eat She can't figure it out and then she's just hungry and upset And you know, she needs to eat a lot because she's breastfeeding right now Yeah, so but she will sacrifice because she's stressed about finances. I've been unemployed for four months And she's like, I don't want to spend money on me. It's like you're breastfeeding you're taking care of him all day You I can get you a cheeseburger from McDonald's or wherever we're at. It's fine. Like don't sacrifice for yourself or for example berries We buy a lot of berries for the kids and for so long I intentionally avoided eating the berries because you're talking about like fruit berries fruit berries Oh, I thought you're talking about berries the drive thru. No, no, no No, yeah, so like I would intentionally avoid the berries because those were reeds food not my food and i'm like wait Why do I think that? This is our food, but we sacrifice like so many good things So that our kids can eat better or, and I don't know why it is like the first sacrifices you make or food and like hygiene. Yeah. Like if you're not paying attention, next thing you know, you're like, when was the last time I've eaten? When was the last time I just took a shower? Like it doesn't have to be anything huge, but like taking that moment to just give yourself that grace of like locking the bathroom door and just spending the time, you know, taking care of yourself makes a huge difference both mentally and physically. And that just a short break from your kids. Like, yeah, for sure. Well, You going through those experiences I think makes you more empathetic. So I remember When I was younger flying on planes or being out and about and hearing kids crying and screaming I was like, oh my god, shut up like control your kid But now if you had kids like there's so much more empathy You know that that parent is dying inside with their kid screaming on the airplane and they're trying to do everything they can to get them to stop and they're so embarrassed and they are miserable themselves and they're just crying. Oh, you just feel for them. Oh, you feel so bad, but if you've never had a kid, you're just like, Control your kid. Control your kid. Shut him up. Right? You don't have that empathy. Yeah, it should be so much easier. Yeah, it's so hard. I, I saw this I saw this meme comic the other day that was like, You know, a father was taking his crying child out of a grocery store and a person was giving him like those dirty looks like, what are you doing? And he, without, without skipping a beat, he looked at him and he said, I'm not stealing this child. He's like, this is my child. He's like, and then under his breath, he quickly responded. Like, if I was stealing, if I was stealing a child, it wouldn't have been this one. He's like, I would have taken one that wasn't like this. It's the worst when they start going into a fit and you throw them on your shoulders to get them out because they're just screaming and punching and then while you're carrying them out they're clawing and punching you and you're just doing everything you can to not lose your ever living mind. Yeah. Oh, the other thing is, you know, the, to dive a little bit more into the sacrifice that we were talking about is just how frequently we put our kids ahead of us in every category, right? Hey, we, we need to go and do this thing and this thing, we need to buy these things so we can survive. Oh, but we got to sign them up for this school or this program and we don't have the money for it, but we're going to do it because it's good for them to grow. Right. And so we're going to do over time. We're going to sell crap on Facebook marketplace so we can get them into it. And I remember talking to my mom and dad, like I mentioned earlier about how they were talking about how they only had a dollar in their bank account. But they would always find a way to get me signed up for sports, no matter what. And I'm so grateful for those because I learned so much in those activities. I made so many friends. And it was a sacrifice that they made. My dad working like you, crazy overtime shift, whether it was on a construction you know, shift where they're sitting on the side of the freeway, or if it was something more intense. He was going to go and do that so we could have those activities I think that's the hardest part really because the sacrifice you make is and especially for I would say for husbands and fathers is just more time you spend away from them Yeah, like there's nothing there's been nothing i've wanted more than to spend more time around my kids lately And just to not have to go to work because they are so devastated every time I go. And I know there's that like perspective of, you know, wives seeing their kids grow and like for those that are stay at home moms, like constantly being there for the kids, doing everything for them. But then when dad gets home, they lose their mind. They're like, Oh yes, dad's home. And for Maddie, she went away for almost a week for a work trip. And when she came home the girls were like, oh, hey Like mom's back. Yeah, like it wasn't Like they're screaming their heads off running to the door to greet her which was sad. It's like heartbreaking but at the same time it's like Maybe they in their in their minds or their perspective mom's always there. Yeah, and so dad's the one that's like Could he be coming back? Don't really know And then with some of the shifts that i've been taking with extraditions It's even harder because then I won't be there at night for bedtime and then I get Crying phone calls from daughters saying, you know, I want you back. Jeez. It's tough. I wonder if it's a So there's things talking about like yeah girls have a special bond with their dads boys have a special bond with their mom Reed could care less about me, dude Like he loves me, but like does he I don't know In fact when I work and then when I come out and i'm done with work You You would think you just want to play but he just is angry at me So these past four months where I haven't had a job my relationship with him has gotten significantly better Because i'm around all day and i'm so scared to go back to work because I know it's just gonna go back to I hate you dad and he even does that now when i'm with him And I don't get it at four years old. He's saying I hate you dad. I hate you dad. Dang And I want to stab you and I want to I want to break your heart and I'm like, oh my gosh What did I even do today? I took you to the playground and we went and got cubbies What'd you do to hurt him? Nothing. That's the thing. He just hates me and he loves mom. And so it really comes into play at bedtime. He does not want me to do bedtime. He only wants mom. Yeah And if it's my turn, he hates me. So that's how it is with Evelyn though right now She wants nothing to do with maddie. That's like when it's bedtime. She's like no, I want dad to cuddle me let's talk a little bit about the scariest part for me mentally Long term thinking or future planning or legacy and impact that you're going to have on your your family So future planning i'm going to read the comment. It says under that There's a stronger a stronger focus on the future including financial planning education And creating a stable environment for the child and the legacy and impact Parents become more concerned with the legacy they are leaving and the values they impart to their children Hmm So where does your mind go when you hear those things? I know you and I've talked about that a lot. Yeah, my, one of the biggest things that I've thought about for a long time now has been legacy and legacy. I read this quote somewhere. I couldn't find it for this podcast, but it's, it said something to the extent of you can, this is just the gist of it. If you do stuff for yourself and not for anyone else, You're not going to be remembered like you will you will die with the things you've done for yourself and nothing's remembered If you do stuff for other people That's when you start to build and leave a legacy and legacy for me has been something that's been huge because it's like you know every law enforcement officer gets into it because they want to help people and they want to You know change the world for the better But in the end like what are you actually doing to change the world? And the the most impact you can have on You Anyone is going to be with your kids because you see in the most and they're little mirror images of you And so I think about my dad and his passing and the legacy he left and the things he instilled in us as his children And I noticed a lot of us are almost living in in his Living in like a respectful way to, to show his legacy, but it also is the opportunity to pass it down to our future generation, which is just as cool. Yeah. I, there's a lot of things that talk about millennial dads or, you know, our age group being parents compared to our parents and their parents and how involved, you know, they are, were, and how we are. We always have McDonald's money. Well, not only that, but it's the millennial joking thing that I like, right? We, we always had McDonald's growing up. And so we're going to go take it. Oh, we did it. No, no. I feel like I got McDonald's quite a bit, but I think it really comes down to just like how the attention is portrayed. So I was watching another reel. I, I'm addicted to social media, but it was a older mom saying, you know how I can spot a new mom. Compared to an old mom, she said that kid was stuck all the way atop of this three level tower and couldn't get down. The mom crawled up in her dress, everything falling out, she went and sat by her child and talked them through the emotions they were experiencing in a healthy way so they had the confidence to achieve what they were doing. And showed them what happened and gave them advice for next time. So they didn't get in that situation. That was a new mom. Yeah, that was a new mom. And she was like, but me, if that was me and my kid is up there and say, you got yourself up there, get yourself down. And it's, it's true. Like the, the emotional impact or conversations that are had now in the involvement that parents have now is very different. And I think that's also another mental load. That's difficult is we want to be. As involved as we can And it just adds another layer that some people don't understand and I remember when we first had our son people were saying like, oh, it's so easy like aren't you in heaven like No, I am Really struggling like well, you're you're doing too much as a parent It's like i'm not doing too much as a parent being a good parent. Yeah, and if that's too much then Shit, I think I think that's I think that's the other thing that people are really hard on themselves for especially when they have their first kid is You know, am I being a good enough parent and and I feel bad because every time I hear that it's like well If you're asking yourself that question, you're probably a good parent. Yeah, like the bad parents don't even think about that No, but you can notice a bad parent when you go to the playground Yeah, you can see the kids and you just feel bad for them Yes, and those are the ones that you're like, I just want to take you home without kidnapping you Yeah, but I bet you those parents never sit back and go. I wonder if i'm a good parent No, i'm wondering if i'm being good enough. It's like yeah No, you're being over the top probably you're probably being too good. Yeah, we spoil our kids like crazy. It's not fun God, I can't wait to throw away all these toys. Oh The other thing when I talk about like future planning is And I haven't done it yet. It's just so scary. It's like I don't know how but how am I supposed to Like I want to set money aside for my kids so when they go start their lives They're not starting from zero like I had to right. I want to have a college fund for them or have You know like a little bit of like congratulations money. Here's 50 100 grand million. I don't know whatever I could get them, right? I would love to be able to do that Yeah, so when they graduate or when they first get married, they don't have to worry how they're going to buy a home That's gone at that point going to be freaking three million dollars for a home that we're starting So I don't want them to have to worry about that. I want to say hey here you go Like here's the your foot in the door But I haven't even started because I don't know how I'm supposed to do that. I can't do it either It's and then you see all these other people and you're like How do you have that much money safe for them? And it's just so confusing The hard part for me too is that i'm like, is it really teaching them? Like I I know I know that there's people that can like receive that and it's fine. Whatever I know other people would receive something like that and blow it instantly And wouldn't just take it for what it's worth. And so I mean my the way my parents told it to me You Nobody helped help. Nobody helped them. So they weren't going to help me. They still helped me. But like for college and stuff, they, they never had college money for, for me. Yeah. They didn't go to college. They say, if you want to go to college, you're going to figure it out and you're smart enough to figure it out. Yeah. And so it's, it's one of those things. It's like, would it be nice to give something to the next generation for them to build up? Yeah. But at the same time, like I know the struggles and the values of things that I've learned from working from such a young age to getting the things that I wanted because it wasn't just going to be given to me, that it's hard to balance that lesson, the lesson to teach them, and the opportunity to be there for them at the same time. The approach that I like on it is not telling them. Not telling them that they have that coming because I've seen it where people are like, yeah, I'm not doing anything I have a million dollars inheritance coming. Yeah, right But there's people who also get that but they work their asses off forever figured out how to do all those things And then it was there. It's kind of like that. Maybe the ultimate gift. I've never seen it Oh, man, you need to watch that movie. Yeah, and then we'll have a podcast about that one. Okay, it's crazy Yeah, we'll have a tearjerker But yeah, I think I want to do that because I mean You If we think about it like the houses that our parents bought in today's time are freaking cheap and they were big You know what I mean? And so if we look at that Times, you know 20 more years when our kids are gonna be in the market. I Hope I own a home in 20 years Exactly. So that's what I'm saying. It's like we don't have to have the other generation struggle It just requires wise parents to help them benefit from it and a lot of people bash on like Generational wealth, but if we don't do that now Our kids and grandkids and so on and so forth are going to be screwed Yeah The thing that I always told my parents is they're getting older after my dad died and even to my mom now It's like I don't I don't care about money. I don't I don't want anything really given to me What I want is for them to be happy and to live a full life because they've always sacrificed for their kids And so i've told my mom i'm like I want you to die and your last check to basically bounce Like I would I would be more happy to know that you've spent all that you had and that Your children aren't sitting there waiting for a paycheck, right? They're not like excited for you to die because they're like, oh how much money we're gonna get when mom dies You know, it's like no I want you to be happy and live do whatever you want travel go see all the family do all those things and If you can figure it out just right to where your last check bounces, then we're golden Yeah, then then then I don't have to worry about it because I'm not sitting there You Your time is more precious to me than the money that you're gonna leave me Yeah, and that's that's just kind of what I think is more important Is the opportunity to spend time with them rather than what you could potentially be getting? Yeah, I I think that's a big shift that's happened in our generation too is the shift of like, okay Spending time with my family is more important than the extra 300 i'm going to make from this shift Yeah, they actually had a conversation about that. There's a Police department in colorado that put out a voting poll Would you rather I think it was, would you rather work 32 hours a week but guaranteed 40 hours of pay or make an extra like, what was it like something like 30 percent on your paycheck. So it was like either a 30 percent raise or you get paid for 40 and you only have to work 32. Yeah. And it was so interesting to read the comments on that poll because Most people didn't take the 30 percent raise. Yeah. And me personally, I wouldn't have taken a 30 percent raise only because time is more valuable to me than money. And the money, even if I got a 30 percent raise, it would disappear. Like I never even had it to begin with. Right. Whereas if I could only work 32 hours a week for eight hour shifts and be home with my family, the rest of that time, that's time that I'll never lose. It's going to be, you know, game changer. Those memories are going to build with them. I think that's, so, you know, So, I think that's why it's important for me to want to invest for them, and it's not saving that much money in liquid. It's saving that money and putting it into an investment so it grows. So I'm only putting in, say, a hundred dollars a month. I just gotta be able to figure out where and how to do that, but once I can put that money in, then it's gonna grow and it's gonna be something for them, and I can still spend and use all of my liquid funds at the end. Yeah, let's just figure that out. That's, that's my perspective on it. The other thing I wanted to dive, jump down to, there's so many other points and I'll read those out and other people can kind of look at them or we could just do a part two. We could do a part two as well, but there's one that I really want to talk to that's at the bottom of all this. Sure. So you got longterm thinking, you got emotional growth. That would be a good one to talk to again. Sense of purpose. That's a good one to talk again. I think we should do a part two. Yeah. Relationship dynamics, financial awareness, health and wellbeing. Perspective on time and cultural societal awareness. That's the one I wanted to talk about cool So it says broader awareness parents often become more aware of societal issues and the world around them Considering the future their children will inherit advocacy and involvement Some parents become more active in communities and societal issues advocating for better environments and opportunities for their children So I think about it and You In college, prior to college, I didn't really have fear of death. I wasn't afraid of what was going to come, kind of thing. As soon as I had kids, it was immediately, okay, where's going to be the best place for them? How do I get them in the best situation so that they can thrive? What's the world doing? What do I need to teach them about? Okay, views on sexuality are changing. What am I going to talk to my kids about? It doesn't matter. Can they just learn themselves? Right? There's so many things that I'm processing now. It's like, how do you be a parent when the world is constantly evolving? Yeah. I think that's a heavy, a heavy box to just fit in. Yeah, I think I think we'll definitely have to do a part two for that one. Yeah. But it's a good sneak preview to see What we have coming up in the following week's episode. All right so hopefully this was a good starting point for all that we've got and Tune in to us next week to learn more about the cultural and societal norms and all the other ones we skipped over really quickly because You There's going to be a lot more to be talked about. Yep. These shifts can be profound and transforming and if you don't have kids, just embrace yourself for the ride. If you don't ever have one, have some empathy on those that do. Yeah, please. Alright, take it easy.